Que Vivo a Miami.

Isaiah wants to show me the wild west.  Last night he told me that the history of the west was the most important factor in the forming of our country. I couldn't disagree more.  I believe that Miami is the most important thing that ever happened to America, because I am from there and I am important.  So I thought I would share what it is like, if you ever want to visit. Here are sixteen factoids you need to know before visiting Miami:

1. Don't bring much more than a tank top and a pair of shorts.  It can be HOT.  Except if you are coming from a colder climate and want to bake in the sun.  Then and only then will it become cool overcast place.

2. Miami is NOT a giant nude beach.

3.  You must speak Spanish to have a job.

4.  You must speak Spanish to get a haircut.

5.  You must speak Spanish to communicate road rage.

6.  You must be able to communicate road rage.

7. There are Alligators. Alligators do not generally live in people's houses. They do not generally live in people's back yards.  They do not walk across the highway.

4.  I have a childhood best friend from Miami, and she is not an Alligator.  If you ever hear someone call her an alligator, please question my father.

5.  The news media in Miami has supernatural abilities. They can arrive at the scene of a crime before it even happens, with an excitable story already unfolded.

6.  The news castors also have a supernatural ability to stand in hurricane forced winds and talk to a news camera. They can also make a branch falling out of a tree become ground breaking news.

7."Pistachio green" is a popular color for a house in certain parts.  The best way I can describe this color is that it is an overly pastel colored mint green.  Just use your imagination ...if you dare.  This house is usually adorned with beautiful burger bars on all sides.

8. Homeless people will attack your car.  Rather than holding a cardboard sign, they walk through four lanes of traffic and throw things at you hoping you will pay them money.  Sometimes its Gatorade on a hot day, and sometimes its windshield cleaner, and sometimes it is exotic fruit you have never heard of that probably came from South America. Either way, I wonder if they are more successful at getting money than the folks who stand on the corner with cardboard signs.

9.  It is not popular or cool to turn your blinker on when changing lanes.  Please don't do this everyone will know you are a tourist.

10.  It is also not popular or cool to be polite and kind to people in public.  You must always walk around with a look of anger and hostility on your face as though you are ready to go somewhere important in a hurry and someone is needlessly getting in your way.

11.  You must always wear ridiculously uncomfortable heels everywhere you go.  In fact, the more danger you are in of breaking your ankle the better.

10.  If you stop at a stoplight, be prepared to be honked at to move before the light even turns green.

12.  There is only one song that plays on the radio, and it goes "Boom, Boom, Boom!!!"

13. There is absolutely no way of knowing weather or not that a song on the radio is a commercial or a song. Every commercial is a rap song.  "My neck, my back, my window has a crack."  (these were the lyrics to the 411-PAIN commercial, a legal service for automobile injuries.  It is rapped by a saucy sounding woman)

14. It is not uncommon, or unheard of to ride the city bus and hear of a man's adventures in a Cuban communist prison.

15.  At the local community college, it is important to dress as though you are going to a night club on South Beach.

16.  If you go to the park on a hot day, be prepared to have only about ten square feet of space to yourself and be surrounded on all sides by large, very loud Cuban families and their music.

17.  You can actually find a natural beauty like no other in Miami.  Don't get me mistaken and think it is entirely ghetto.  This post is musing over certain aspects of the cultural experience you might have if you ever visited this place.

Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed these little factoids about life in Miami. I am sure I can think of many other fun things but I am going to stop here for now.  This is fun!

Love,
JoAnna